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To want so much to belong, to be wanted, to be loved, that we are willing to give up a part of ourself. To hold onto a hope for a man that just isn't physiy or emotionally present in the relationship with us. I could easily have written your post. I guess its nice to know that I am not alone in feeling this way. But, what struck me is the seeming availability of men like this---in Austin particularly. And, in saying "availability", that is not meant in the literal sense. They appear available because they want to hook up with you, charm you, entice you, reel you in, have passionate love affairs with you, but they can't go any further than that. They are cut off from themselves. There is no true sharing. No intimacy. Then, there we are begging to be loved, begging for scrapes from their "table" like dogs. What kind of power does this endow in the man to have the woman so willing to please, so available, so eager to be loved? This is a very harsh analogy, but perhaps it is one that needs to be made. A mutually relationship is supportive and nurturing. It makes you feel good. It shouldn't make you cry, and have to beg for his affections. He may not do this consciously, but the power play is there. I'm wondering why men like this get involved with women knowing they have nothing to offer? Is it that he can't be alone? Is his a selfish desire to satisfy his needs? Does he really think he is making an effort? Does he realize that the woman has a heart and soul and is naturally going to respond to his affections with love and kindness? And, yet, he cannot and perhaps never intended to respond in kind. Does he even give a damn? Or is his just a heartless pursuit of domination and self-serving taking, taking, taking? My advice to you poetress, and this is from someone who has been there: do not waste another minute on a man does not return your affection or who does not make you feel good about yourself. Do not let him tear you down. Bolster that self esteem, and if you need to, seek professional help, but do not linger with this man. Giving up yourself slowly, bit by bit, will render emotional havoc upon your life. Be kind to yourself and step away from the pain.
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